Professional NFL tackling dummy/conversation piece Michael Sam announces his retirement from the National Football League after declaring that professional sports is just “too gay.”
“It’s just one man bent over behind another man tossing balls between their legs as they pile on to one another,” Sam stated as he fixed his bedazzled “slut” crop top.
“Do you know how many times you get your ass felt up by these sex-deranged maniacs? They make you feel like a piece of meat. I just can’t take it anymore,” pleaded Sam as he sipped his Mai Tai, sprinkling glitter on the reporters in attendance at the press conference.
“So, I dutifully announce that I am leaving Broke Quarterback Mountain. I’ll leave these faeries to their spankings and hot baths together because I’ve already got a job with a slightly more masculine company, the Bravo network.”
