Upon discovering the first U.S. ebola carrier in the city of Dallas, Texas, the United States has announced plans to safely eradicate the city by means of a human nuclear incineration device in fear that the disease might spread past city limits to infect people or because it’s Dallas and that sounds like a lot of fun.
Recently, Richard Burroughs, head director of the CDC stated, “I had a conversation with President Obama and we both agreed that the best course of action we could take would be to nuke Dallas…because of ebola of course.”
Although several health experts have already said the chance of ebola spreading on a mass scale are very slim. “You have a better chance dying of influenza in Dallas than of ebola,” said Matthew Graves, an expert in pandemic infections for Doctors without Borders. He continued, “but, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t blow up Dallas. If you’ve ever been there, it’s nothing but assholes and garbage piles.”
In a special State of the Union address, President Obama went live on television and on-line, with the broadcast being purposefully withheld from airing on Fox News in order to assure that no residents of Dallas would hear the news. In his address, President Obama stated, “men and women of America, it comes to me with great pleasure to announce that although ebolaactually did manage to make its way to the United States, it thankfully made its way to none other than Dallas, Texas and as a preemptive safety measure, I have ordered the United States Airforce to unload a small nuclear payload on the center of the city which will eradicate this city of assholes from our great nation. Oh, and it will ensure the disease doesn’t spread or something like that. You remember Outbreak.”
It has been reported at this time that the jets have taken off, but the city of Dallas stays committed in resolve to be a city full of self-absorbed, narrow-minded douchebags to the very end. One business man said with a smirk, “I’d like to see them try” right before his entire skeleton was pulverized to a fine ash by the blast.
#pray4dallas now trending
